A year it has been..

Just for the sake of posting to remember that day, commemorate rather.

March 23, 2009.

Well, it's been a year since my family was lesser by one, the foundation. Yes, I know this is not the right place for me to be saying something like this. But this is the way I am, this is how I can best express how I feel and what I think. Anyways, just wanna see how things are a year after the parting time.

(Am I really emotional? Yeah, I think so.)

This time last year (or lets adjust it a few days, hmmm, around March 15), I went back home for the second time in two months after I started working here in Paranaque. Those were the days that I'm much delighted to see my whole family together. Homesickness, I guess. I was still at the adjusting stage of "living independently" from my parents. I have seen the changes myself back then. I'm no longer the youngest child who used to call Inay and Tatay to ask for everything I want and need. I felt the same change with them as well. Our conversations had turned into a different dimension, as if they are talking with a "grown up". After all, it was my choice to fend for myself, work away from them despite their strong opposition, especially my Father. We had heated discussions back then regarding that topic. They just wanted me to work somewhere in our place. I already gave them what they want when I once "tried" to work in a "dont-know-what-kind-of-office-as-that" and a call center by the city. But since I really dont want to be in that field, I immediately left to find another one, something I have an interest with. I've been planning to work in the Metro years back in college. I wanted to be independent, to decide for myself and experience the real world by myself. I wanted to grow, be mature and professional - These things I cannot see into reality if I will remain in the province, working underemployed for companies I dont care a jot for. In the end, they gave me what I want. With a smiling face, a hopeful mind, and a broken heart, I left home to find my luck in the Metro.

Barely three weeks after I first left, I went home for a visit. I am overjoyed to see them - my nephews and nieces, my sister, Inay, and Tatay. It feels like a year since my departure. And yet, it was soothing to have them around me, treating me as a VIP. I initially intended to go home once month, and that's just fine with them. My second visit, a day before our barangay fiesta, March 15, was quite much memorable. Though we will not be having a lot of visitors during that time, we still had those mini preparations for the coming festivity. I am more than cheered up seeing how Tatay and Inay had that funny conversation while preparing the embutido. My father, having had a mild stroke attack a year ago, cannot properly tie the ends as his left hand have gone quite dysfunctional. My mother, a beginner in cooking such dish, cannot do it properly as well. They had their laughs while working on that one as me and my sister kept taunting them on how they will finish the task. That was I guess, one of the usual moments of couples who have grown to become friends years after their marriage. I'm sure they had a millions of the same gags before, but seeing them playing that time is somehow nostalgic, not knowing that it will be one of their last...

Come Fiesta and we had the small celebration. We have quite a few dishes to serve but unlike the previous years, our table is much smaller. I had a dose of the food early on coz by late afternoon I'll be back to Paranaque for work. My father had a "tour" of our neighbors, taking one plate after another. He really enjoyed that one, I guess. I stayed home the rest of the day, waiting for visitors and taking a meal hour by hour. By afternoon, I had departed, taking with me a piece of the embutido my parents worked so hard for. :D That was the last meal Tatay made for me...

Three days after, I was awaken by a text message from my sister telling that my father was brought to the hospital. I don't know the circumstances but she said that they can speak with him and it was unlike the mild stroke attack he had last year. I was somehow relieved by then, but still worried since I'm desperate for news. The day after, I went to the hospital to see my father in ICU, can pretty talk well and full(or should I say half) of himself. As I went before him, he started talking as if he was already giving me his last pieces of advice. He told me to be thrifty, spend my money wisely and save for the future. He even opened the topic on the possibility of me getting back to school. I just said not to worry about me and that we'll passed this one like before. I never really cared for money. I just wanted to bail him out of the hospital and walk and ride our tricycle again and had a run with me...

[the rest.. I think I had it posted in a different entry.. here - http://baliwantunaan.blogspot.com/2009/09/special-day-tomorrow-tribute-for-two.html ]

So, it's almost a year after that. Come Tuesday then it's exactly a year. How have we fared a year after he went on the other side of the rainbow? A year after his white balloon had flown away from us, heading to that shining ray of light?

To be honest we had gotten over that feeling. We are done with the "depressed" and "adjusting stage". (If writing this one or keeping this in my mind for quite some time would claim otherwise, then it's wrong, but I'm certain that I'm more that okay right now, fully accepted that he left us and is now on better hands). Maybe, it is a continuous adjustment stage. We have moved on. That page has been marked in our lives, we have turned over a new one, but keeping that single page in the footnotes. Though the same may be true, I hate to admit that we are far worse right now after his departure: Worse in the sense that we barely see each other day by day. We are parted by distance, and also by walls. Since that day, I have been going home on a weekly basis. Then I had a temporarily stayed in Marikina for almost two months, expecting that Inay and I will be staying there for a long time (as one of Tatay's wishes Inay to stay with me as I work here). The same never materialized, so I went back to my "home". Keeping ourselves busy with different tasks (Inay working out on the papers, me and my siblings with our jobs), we have somehow gotten over the feeling of lost. Once or twice a month we kept visiting his tomb. Inay kept telling her apo's to talk with their Lolo. We are one with the thought that it's just like Tatay was just somewhere else, abroad in particular. He's just watching over us, keeping his "reminders" whenever we had done mistakes or something he against his will. Once in a while I have dreams about him, just like he is just around, alive and kicking. The same goes with Inay and my sister. We kept having those dreams of him. The same happens whenever we face some difficulty or having conflict with one another. For a moment or two we were closely knitted after his passing. Though there are still those instances that we fail to keep in touch with one another, we are somehow making up for lost time whenever we are having those little hang-ups and window shopping.

But right now, those ties were somehow loosening. We are now separated by seas, by walls, and by the unknown. I barely had news about one, I wanna give him a hard punch when I see him. The other, she seems to have enjoyed herself with the company of other people. I know I have my shortcomings for not being so passionate or not showing my care for them. But hey, is that enough reason to keep us waiting for weeks or months for her to show up to me? I failed to follow one of Tatay's last advices. I barely saved a cent in my pocket. Someone beat me up! (JK)

How I wish that he could show up in our dreams at the same time with the same message. If not in our dreams, show up when we're wide awake. We are not asking much from you, all your life we've been seeking your guidance. Just keep us as one, as a FAMILY that we once are. You may not be physically present, but in our hearts, we know that you are with us. Keep reminding us to love each other, to never fail to keep in touch, and to be a Family. I know it's up to US to do all these, but please, heed my request:

Keep our deal sealed.

And also, keep watching us.

Uhmmm, if it's not too much...

Can you cook me another embutido? :D We missed it. :)