With a flick of a wand, everything became so quiet, just like nothing ever existed to make a single sound.
I loved silence more than anything else before. In silence, I can think new and better ideas. In silence, I can relax my mind and let it fly along the wind. In silence, I can create a clear view of my goal, a straight path towards my dream.
But then, something took me by storm. It also took away the silence I've used to live in. Since then, I started loving the noise. It was a noise worth going crazy for. A noise that you would like to hear and retain from your senses from the start of the day until you end dreaming. A noise that gives color and life to everything.
A noise called Love. Mutual love, this time.
I was caught by a trance. I was enchanted to the point that everything I saw shines brightly. That magic felt good. I never intended to cast off that spell because everything felt alright. I wished for the spell to last longer. I wished there's another chant to make it infinite. But I guess, there are limits to the bounds of man, even to the realms of magic - or perhaps, a limit to the spellcaster and the object, to make the magic in continuous effect.
It came so suddenly; it ended abruptly.
Perfect relationships don’t exist. There will always be a point where something will go wrong. There will be misunderstandings, commotions, and the like. No relationship will go smoothly along the way. What matters is that both parties must be willing to grow up together through thick or thin. It might really be tough to hold on if there is a huge conflict of personalities, but as long as they believe in each other, no trials will separate them. It is only a matter of personal commitment, sincerity, trust and love that will keep the fire burning.
How ironic it is for someone like me to be telling this, when I couldn’t make it work for myself.
"We dont look for love because it's lonely to watch movies alone.. because it's sad to eat meals on our own..because it's nice to cuddle up w/ someone on a rainy day..We look for love because we want to be accepted.. For the sloppy way we dress..for the clumsy way we eat our meals..for the bad hair days..& for the simplicity in us.. Love is an act of acceptance. That w/ all our imperfections, we are accepted & loved.."
I forgot that I once got this thru a text message. Funny that I only got this clear mind only after the storm. Guess I'm not good enough to handle the pressure in life-changing situations. Oh yes, I'm not exaggerating.This is a life-changing experience. Especially for someone who's a rookie in this. I should have read it over and over again to realize what I should have done to keep the magic alive.
Unfortunately, the spell was too strong that I moved on instinct and messed up my logic. I looked to no one but her. I thought of nothing but us. I cared too much for her and I, that I have forgotten a lot of things to take in before gettiing caught in this hurricane. I became selfish. I thought of changing her the way I wanted, and hoped that she will change me too. Now, it is too late to realize that love is not about changing each other. It is about growing up together despite the similtarities and differences. I thought I had already accepted everything about her - the way she laughs, cries, shouts, whines, clings, and everything. In the end, there's still something I thought she lost that she can't seem to bring back. I waited for her to realize it, but to no avail. I even brought it up to her, but I guess I wasn't heard - or wasn't loud enough to be heard. I also thought that seh had accepted everything about me, even my worst side. But I never heard from her. It might be because I'm just too insensitive not to know it or she just couldn't come to say what she really feels. I had always hoped that she will be more open to me - to share not only what she thinks and experiences, but also what she feels. That hope had gone to nothing, as she herself said that she is not vocal enough to say those kind of insights and emotions, not even to me. I promised that I will always keep my ears open for her stories and everything, but still, there are a lot of untold tales that I longed for her to tell me someday. That I never understood about her. I waited, and promised to myself to keep on waiting until the time she'll be ready to open up. I thought i am good enough at waiting. It never came, and I found myself asking more questions.
And now, the next step is to move forward. Get used to the silence once again, and live like nothing happened. Memories are always there to make me smile and cry for a minute or two. But then again, those were just pieces of the past. I have become aware of the mistakes I made and the silent desires I so wished to happen. I over-estimated myself, thought that I have enough patience to wait for something I'm longing for. Well then, I guess i'm not good in waiting. I'm no longer good at it. After this, I will have to teach myself again how to wait for something and how to make my patience good for a hundred years.
Good things come for those who wait. I thought I have waited long enough. It's a shame that she thought otherwise. I grew tired of waiting. My fault (or not, yes, it is my fault), the waiting game with her is over.
I said that I will never give up. But here I am, raising the white flag. My frustrations for waiting for quite some time has been a cause of our misunderstandings and her pain. I no longer want to bring her pain. The same way that I no longer want to wait for something not certain to happen. For me, it's a fair trade. I am not worthy of this. I will stop waiting. I will stop bringing her pain.
So, I'm saying goodbye to the noise; the noise that made me insane for more than a year ; the noise that made me a better person; the noise that made me feel important, needed and love. I loved that noise, too. It will still resound in my ears for quite some time, I know. But right now, I should love the silence more than that noise. It is homecoming for me. I'm back to this world, once again.
The enchantment has been lifted.
The magic has faded.
I'm back to my good old self.
Powerless.
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O wag kang tumingin
Ng ganyan sa akin
Wag mo akong kulitin
Wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo
Ako din ay nagbago
Di na tayo katulad ng dati
Kaybilis ng sandali
O kay tagal din kitang minahal
O kay tagal din kitang minahal
Kung iisipin mo
Di naman dati ganito
Teka muna teka lang
Kelan tayo nailang
Kung iisipin mo
Di naman dati ganito
Kaybilis kasi ng buhay
Pati tayo natangay
O kay tagal din kitang minahal
O kay tagal din kitang minahal
Tinatawag Kita
Sinusuyo Kita
Di mo man marinig
Di mo man madama
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin
Mamahallin
Mamahalin
Mamahalin
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