I have so many questions in mind. Questions I think nobody can answer except me. But how can I do so if I myself don’t know what to do? If these were all part of a script, I wonder how this story will end. Yes, if this really was a story, then I want to be the writer of it. After all, I should be the master of myself. I can’t let anybody write my OWN story. But what have I become? After 19 years of existence, I have always allowed someone to take control of my life. Why do I always have to consider someone when I am to make major decisions? Yes, I was given the chance to decide for myself. I even chose the field where I envision what my future would be. But now, what happened? I’m confused! I even don’t know if I’m going to pass this test.
I am interested with legal matters, so I chose this to be my training ground. I decided for my own. And look where I am right now. I don’t think I am in the right place. This is not for me. I know that this time will come. How can I be “Someone” if I don’t have what it takes to be as such? This field requires good speakers. Also, aspiring lawyers must have excellent social relationship skills. I admit I don’t belong to that type. I am neither a good speaker nor a sociable one. I love debates, but I am not really good at it. Tell me, what are the other qualifications to be a lawyer? As I see it, I can’t be one. I’m just good at concepts. But what’s important is the application of those into reality, and that’s an x mark for me.
I should not be afraid of making major decisions. But after this one, I guess, I can’t say what’s in store for me. I thought I am in the right track. I thought that by considering my interests, I can make the better choice. Now, I can say that there are other things, much more things to consider for those crucial decisions.
This is not me. This is not the “me” that I want to be. All I want to do was to break the weak “me”. I hate my old dumb self. I hate depending on others. I hate being immature. I hate being ruled by my emotions. I hate my way of thinking. Now, there’s no one to blame but myself.
I want to stop living the way others want me to. I need not fulfill their expectations. It’s about time for me to take control over my life.
I want to change. I’ve been so deliberate about it. Yet, I can’t start it. I feel sorry for myself. To a great teacher, please forgive me because until now, I can’t start the change I want to see in me.
Well then, for a millionth time, I’ll promise to change everything. I will start from scratch.
Why do I have to place it here? I doubt if someone can understand me. I know someone, but how the hell can I tell her about this personally. She changed. I can tell. Because I changed. I’m just glad that someone still believes in me.
Good things never really last for long. We must somehow give them up to welcome other things, other experiences.
I’m ready. I want to start from scratch, right?
Someday, I will read these words once more. It’s good to be reminded of the days that changed your life. So I place it in here. As I read these lines, I will be laughing at myself.
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Mga Komento (2 taon makalipas malimbag ang mga nabanggit):
Naubos ang english ko habang pinag-iisipan ko 'to. Nasulat ko 'to habang nasa OJT ako nung 3rd year college (in the midst of confusion whether or not I should be a Legal Management student/ Lawyer aspirant)
Iba pang side comments:
Oo nga no, tinatawanan ko na sarili ko ngayon:p
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