(Unang-una, pinasasalamatan ko ang aking mga kaibigan sa trabaho para sa isang magandang inspirasyon sa pamagat ng kabaliwang ito. Ipagpatawad nyo kung hanggang dito lang ang kinaya ng utak ko, pero syempre, inerereserba ko ang karapatang-ari sa inyo :D
Pangalawa, ito ay opinyon ko lamang bagaman may halong katotohanan. Hindi ako eksperto sa Wika at Panitikan , kaya gagamitin ko lamang ang mga Terminolohiyang nabanggit sa paraang mauunawaan ng karaniwang mambabasa (kung may magkainteres man na magbasa sa likha ng isang weirdo at baliw), ipagsawalambahala na ang anumang kaalaman sa tamang kahulugan ng Romantisismo at Realismo)
Nakabalik na ako. Ang weirdo at baliw na manunulat sa aking sarili.
Ako na mismo ang sumira sa kredibilidad ko. Nangako ako sa sarili ko na hindi na ako muling magsusulat ng mga patungkol sa taong minsa'y nagbigay-halaga sa isang tulad ko. Matinding kabaliwan talaga ang idinudulot ng pag-ibig. Baliw na nga ako, mas lalo pang lumala. Kaya kung mawawala na din ang epekto nito, siguro, makababalik na ang dating ako: 'yung ako na mas gusto ko, mas maayos, mas matalino, mas matured, pero mas tahimik, mas reserved, mas weirdo na parang may sariling mundo. Siguro, sapat nang naiwala ko ang sarili ko minsan. Pero di pa din ako sumusuko. Handa pa din akong mawala sa sarili ko, pero sa susunod na pagkakataon, hindi na ako isang baguhan at bobo pagdating doon. Magkaganunpaman, wala akong pinagsisihan sa mga nangyari. Nagmahal lang ako, at naging masaya , isang karanasang nakalimbag na sa isang kabanata sa libro ko.
Bumabalik na ang ngiti sa aking labi na walang kadahilanan. Tinatawanan ko na ang sarili ko. Magandang senyales na bumalik na si Baliwantunaan, ang Alter-Ego ko na matagal-tagal ko ding hindi nakaniig :)
Nagsisimula ang lahat sa Romantisismo. Katulad ng tipikal na mga kwento, nagkakakilala, nagkakamabutihan at nahuhulog: mga bahagi sa Simula at Saglit na Kasiyahan. Darating sa Tunggalian, patungo sa Kasukdulan. Sa Tunggalian magbibigay ng foreshadowing kung anong mangyayari sa Kasukdulan. Kung matibay ang naging pundasyon sa Simula at Saglit na Kasiglahan, mas malamang na malalampasan ang Tunggalian at maging ang Kasukdulan. Magandang tema ang mapupunta sa Kakalasan, tuloy-tuloy hanggang sa Wakas. Pero kung hindi ganto, isang malungkot na pagtatapos ang magaganap: REALISMO - ang masaklap na katotohanan ng buhay.
Sabagay, ang buhay naman ay isang Realismo - Realismong hinaluan ng iba't-iba pang ideolohiya.
Marahil, wala akong karapatang sumulat ng ganitong klaseng lathalain, o mas karapat-dapat na tawaging "walang-direksyong-pagbubulalas-ng-saloobin". Pasensya na, isa lamang akong Baliw na Frustrated Writer :) At ito ang First Love ko.
Napuno ng drama at komedya ang nagdaang Isa't-Kalahating Taon. Naabot ko ang Kasukdulan na abot-langit ang ngiti sapagkat ito ang unang beses na naranasan ko ang ganitong damdamin. Akala ko maayos na, pero nakalimutan kong balikan ang Simula. Madaming bagay pala akong isinaisantabi na tahimik na nakaapekto sa daloy ng kwento, lalo na sa mga pangunahing tauhan. Hindi maayos ang pagkakaestablish sa mga katangian ng mga tauhan, sa mga pangyayaring naganap sa Simula at Saglit na Kasiglahan. Ang mas nagpalala pa sa sitwasyon ay ang patuloy na pagbalewala sa mga maliliit na bagay na iyon. Nakalimutan (o Kinalimutan) ko ang kahalagahan ng Lahat ng bahagi ng kwento: isang pagpapatunay ng pagka-amateur ko sa pagsasalaysay (at pagsasabuhay). Napakadami ko pang dapat matutunan. Pero ngayon, malaking aral na ang naging pagkakamali ko sa unang kwentong nilikha ng malikot at magulo kong pag-iisip. Sa mga pangunahing tauhan, humihingi ako ng paumanhin sa aking pagkukulang.
Narating ko na ang kakalasan. Nabigo ang mga tauhan sa Kasukdulan, di tulad ng mga tipikal na kwento. Nauwi sa Trahedya ang Wakas - Kakambal na din ng Realismo. Dito nagtatapos ang lahat.
Maaaring nagwakas na ang kwento, pero ang mga aral nito ay mananatiling nakatatak sa mga kamay ng manunulat. Darating ang panahon na makapagsusulat akong muli ng panibagong kwento. At sa pagkakataong iyon, makakalamang na ako ng isang hakbang kontra sa mga maliliit na bagay na hinayaan kong sumira sa magandang banghay na aking inisip. May cheat sheet na ako , at hindi na ako aasa sa "walang-direksyon-kong-pag-iisip-ng-kung-anu-ano". ipinagpapasalamat ko ang karanasang ito. Wala akong pinanghihinayangan sa isang magandang simula, sa isang magandang kwento, bagaman nauwi sa Wakas. Hindi naman lahat ng kwento ay may masayang Wakas.
Meron nga bang masayang Wakas?
Nasa pag-iisip lang yan.
Kaya't eto ako ngayon. Patuloy na Tumatayo at Humaharap sa mga Hamon ng Buhay. Mag-isa man, alam kong madami pang mga pangalawa/pangatlong tauhan akong maaasahan. Ang ilan sa kanila, nakalimutan kong isama sa una kong kwento - isa sa mga malaking pagkakamali ko. Sa uulitin, hindi na ako magkakamali ng ganitong katindi. Syempre, bukas ako sa mga pagkakamali, sapagkat ito ang mga aral na higit na tumatatak sa akin. Pero iiwasan ko ng ulitin ang mga iyon. Natuto na ako. Tama na ang minsan. Mas uunlad ang isang manunulat kung tutuklas sya ng ibang istilo, at hindi gagamit ng parehong banghay, at parehong kakulangan, sa lahat ng kanyang katha. Panahon na din para gawin 'to. Malawak ang mundo. Nagkalat lang ang mga kaisipan sa tabi-tabi.
Hanggang sa susunod kong katha.
- Baliwantunaan,
07 Hulyo 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
De-Spell
With a flick of a wand, everything became so quiet, just like nothing ever existed to make a single sound.
I loved silence more than anything else before. In silence, I can think new and better ideas. In silence, I can relax my mind and let it fly along the wind. In silence, I can create a clear view of my goal, a straight path towards my dream.
But then, something took me by storm. It also took away the silence I've used to live in. Since then, I started loving the noise. It was a noise worth going crazy for. A noise that you would like to hear and retain from your senses from the start of the day until you end dreaming. A noise that gives color and life to everything.
A noise called Love. Mutual love, this time.
I was caught by a trance. I was enchanted to the point that everything I saw shines brightly. That magic felt good. I never intended to cast off that spell because everything felt alright. I wished for the spell to last longer. I wished there's another chant to make it infinite. But I guess, there are limits to the bounds of man, even to the realms of magic - or perhaps, a limit to the spellcaster and the object, to make the magic in continuous effect.
It came so suddenly; it ended abruptly.
Perfect relationships don’t exist. There will always be a point where something will go wrong. There will be misunderstandings, commotions, and the like. No relationship will go smoothly along the way. What matters is that both parties must be willing to grow up together through thick or thin. It might really be tough to hold on if there is a huge conflict of personalities, but as long as they believe in each other, no trials will separate them. It is only a matter of personal commitment, sincerity, trust and love that will keep the fire burning.
How ironic it is for someone like me to be telling this, when I couldn’t make it work for myself.
"We dont look for love because it's lonely to watch movies alone.. because it's sad to eat meals on our own..because it's nice to cuddle up w/ someone on a rainy day..We look for love because we want to be accepted.. For the sloppy way we dress..for the clumsy way we eat our meals..for the bad hair days..& for the simplicity in us.. Love is an act of acceptance. That w/ all our imperfections, we are accepted & loved.."
I forgot that I once got this thru a text message. Funny that I only got this clear mind only after the storm. Guess I'm not good enough to handle the pressure in life-changing situations. Oh yes, I'm not exaggerating.This is a life-changing experience. Especially for someone who's a rookie in this. I should have read it over and over again to realize what I should have done to keep the magic alive.
Unfortunately, the spell was too strong that I moved on instinct and messed up my logic. I looked to no one but her. I thought of nothing but us. I cared too much for her and I, that I have forgotten a lot of things to take in before gettiing caught in this hurricane. I became selfish. I thought of changing her the way I wanted, and hoped that she will change me too. Now, it is too late to realize that love is not about changing each other. It is about growing up together despite the similtarities and differences. I thought I had already accepted everything about her - the way she laughs, cries, shouts, whines, clings, and everything. In the end, there's still something I thought she lost that she can't seem to bring back. I waited for her to realize it, but to no avail. I even brought it up to her, but I guess I wasn't heard - or wasn't loud enough to be heard. I also thought that seh had accepted everything about me, even my worst side. But I never heard from her. It might be because I'm just too insensitive not to know it or she just couldn't come to say what she really feels. I had always hoped that she will be more open to me - to share not only what she thinks and experiences, but also what she feels. That hope had gone to nothing, as she herself said that she is not vocal enough to say those kind of insights and emotions, not even to me. I promised that I will always keep my ears open for her stories and everything, but still, there are a lot of untold tales that I longed for her to tell me someday. That I never understood about her. I waited, and promised to myself to keep on waiting until the time she'll be ready to open up. I thought i am good enough at waiting. It never came, and I found myself asking more questions.
And now, the next step is to move forward. Get used to the silence once again, and live like nothing happened. Memories are always there to make me smile and cry for a minute or two. But then again, those were just pieces of the past. I have become aware of the mistakes I made and the silent desires I so wished to happen. I over-estimated myself, thought that I have enough patience to wait for something I'm longing for. Well then, I guess i'm not good in waiting. I'm no longer good at it. After this, I will have to teach myself again how to wait for something and how to make my patience good for a hundred years.
Good things come for those who wait. I thought I have waited long enough. It's a shame that she thought otherwise. I grew tired of waiting. My fault (or not, yes, it is my fault), the waiting game with her is over.
I said that I will never give up. But here I am, raising the white flag. My frustrations for waiting for quite some time has been a cause of our misunderstandings and her pain. I no longer want to bring her pain. The same way that I no longer want to wait for something not certain to happen. For me, it's a fair trade. I am not worthy of this. I will stop waiting. I will stop bringing her pain.
So, I'm saying goodbye to the noise; the noise that made me insane for more than a year ; the noise that made me a better person; the noise that made me feel important, needed and love. I loved that noise, too. It will still resound in my ears for quite some time, I know. But right now, I should love the silence more than that noise. It is homecoming for me. I'm back to this world, once again.
The enchantment has been lifted. The magic has faded. I'm back to my good old self. Powerless.
=======================================================================
O wag kang tumingin Ng ganyan sa akin Wag mo akong kulitin Wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo Ako din ay nagbago Di na tayo katulad ng dati Kaybilis ng sandali
O kay tagal din kitang minahal O kay tagal din kitang minahal
Kung iisipin mo Di naman dati ganito Teka muna teka lang Kelan tayo nailang
Kung iisipin mo Di naman dati ganito Kaybilis kasi ng buhay Pati tayo natangay
O kay tagal din kitang minahal O kay tagal din kitang minahal
Tinatawag Kita Sinusuyo Kita Di mo man marinig Di mo man madama
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin Mamahallin Mamahalin Mamahalin
#
I loved silence more than anything else before. In silence, I can think new and better ideas. In silence, I can relax my mind and let it fly along the wind. In silence, I can create a clear view of my goal, a straight path towards my dream.
But then, something took me by storm. It also took away the silence I've used to live in. Since then, I started loving the noise. It was a noise worth going crazy for. A noise that you would like to hear and retain from your senses from the start of the day until you end dreaming. A noise that gives color and life to everything.
A noise called Love. Mutual love, this time.
I was caught by a trance. I was enchanted to the point that everything I saw shines brightly. That magic felt good. I never intended to cast off that spell because everything felt alright. I wished for the spell to last longer. I wished there's another chant to make it infinite. But I guess, there are limits to the bounds of man, even to the realms of magic - or perhaps, a limit to the spellcaster and the object, to make the magic in continuous effect.
It came so suddenly; it ended abruptly.
Perfect relationships don’t exist. There will always be a point where something will go wrong. There will be misunderstandings, commotions, and the like. No relationship will go smoothly along the way. What matters is that both parties must be willing to grow up together through thick or thin. It might really be tough to hold on if there is a huge conflict of personalities, but as long as they believe in each other, no trials will separate them. It is only a matter of personal commitment, sincerity, trust and love that will keep the fire burning.
How ironic it is for someone like me to be telling this, when I couldn’t make it work for myself.
"We dont look for love because it's lonely to watch movies alone.. because it's sad to eat meals on our own..because it's nice to cuddle up w/ someone on a rainy day..We look for love because we want to be accepted.. For the sloppy way we dress..for the clumsy way we eat our meals..for the bad hair days..& for the simplicity in us.. Love is an act of acceptance. That w/ all our imperfections, we are accepted & loved.."
I forgot that I once got this thru a text message. Funny that I only got this clear mind only after the storm. Guess I'm not good enough to handle the pressure in life-changing situations. Oh yes, I'm not exaggerating.This is a life-changing experience. Especially for someone who's a rookie in this. I should have read it over and over again to realize what I should have done to keep the magic alive.
Unfortunately, the spell was too strong that I moved on instinct and messed up my logic. I looked to no one but her. I thought of nothing but us. I cared too much for her and I, that I have forgotten a lot of things to take in before gettiing caught in this hurricane. I became selfish. I thought of changing her the way I wanted, and hoped that she will change me too. Now, it is too late to realize that love is not about changing each other. It is about growing up together despite the similtarities and differences. I thought I had already accepted everything about her - the way she laughs, cries, shouts, whines, clings, and everything. In the end, there's still something I thought she lost that she can't seem to bring back. I waited for her to realize it, but to no avail. I even brought it up to her, but I guess I wasn't heard - or wasn't loud enough to be heard. I also thought that seh had accepted everything about me, even my worst side. But I never heard from her. It might be because I'm just too insensitive not to know it or she just couldn't come to say what she really feels. I had always hoped that she will be more open to me - to share not only what she thinks and experiences, but also what she feels. That hope had gone to nothing, as she herself said that she is not vocal enough to say those kind of insights and emotions, not even to me. I promised that I will always keep my ears open for her stories and everything, but still, there are a lot of untold tales that I longed for her to tell me someday. That I never understood about her. I waited, and promised to myself to keep on waiting until the time she'll be ready to open up. I thought i am good enough at waiting. It never came, and I found myself asking more questions.
And now, the next step is to move forward. Get used to the silence once again, and live like nothing happened. Memories are always there to make me smile and cry for a minute or two. But then again, those were just pieces of the past. I have become aware of the mistakes I made and the silent desires I so wished to happen. I over-estimated myself, thought that I have enough patience to wait for something I'm longing for. Well then, I guess i'm not good in waiting. I'm no longer good at it. After this, I will have to teach myself again how to wait for something and how to make my patience good for a hundred years.
Good things come for those who wait. I thought I have waited long enough. It's a shame that she thought otherwise. I grew tired of waiting. My fault (or not, yes, it is my fault), the waiting game with her is over.
I said that I will never give up. But here I am, raising the white flag. My frustrations for waiting for quite some time has been a cause of our misunderstandings and her pain. I no longer want to bring her pain. The same way that I no longer want to wait for something not certain to happen. For me, it's a fair trade. I am not worthy of this. I will stop waiting. I will stop bringing her pain.
So, I'm saying goodbye to the noise; the noise that made me insane for more than a year ; the noise that made me a better person; the noise that made me feel important, needed and love. I loved that noise, too. It will still resound in my ears for quite some time, I know. But right now, I should love the silence more than that noise. It is homecoming for me. I'm back to this world, once again.
The enchantment has been lifted. The magic has faded. I'm back to my good old self. Powerless.
=======================================================================
O wag kang tumingin Ng ganyan sa akin Wag mo akong kulitin Wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo Ako din ay nagbago Di na tayo katulad ng dati Kaybilis ng sandali
O kay tagal din kitang minahal O kay tagal din kitang minahal
Kung iisipin mo Di naman dati ganito Teka muna teka lang Kelan tayo nailang
Kung iisipin mo Di naman dati ganito Kaybilis kasi ng buhay Pati tayo natangay
O kay tagal din kitang minahal O kay tagal din kitang minahal
Tinatawag Kita Sinusuyo Kita Di mo man marinig Di mo man madama
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin Mamahallin Mamahalin Mamahalin
#
Monday, April 30, 2012
Kamusta?
Tulad ng isang kaibigang matagal na hindi nakita. Unang tanong: Kamusta ka?
Unang post para sa taong 2012. Kumpirmado. Di ko natupad ang pangako ko sa huling post ko. Hopeless na talaga ako. Pero tulad ng nakagawian, isaisantabi na lang ang mga alituntuning ginawa ko, tulad ng pagsasawalambahala ng ilan sa mga patakarang sila din mismo ang gumawa. May future ako sa corruption. Bwahahaha! (Wag mangamba, malayo 'to sa landas na gusto kong tahakin)
Hindi ko alam kung anong sakit ang tumama sa 'kin. Di ba't sinabi ko noon na hilig ko ang pagbabasa at pagsusulat. Pero ngayon, nasan na? Andami ko ng nakalinyang libro na hindi pa matapos tapos basahin. Napakadami ko namang libreng oras. Matindi talaga ang tama ni katam. Tsk. Pano ba kita tatalunin? Unang hakbang: unti-untiin. Kaya eto, di ako makasigurong makagawa uli ng panibagong post. Darating din tayo dyan.
Sa ngayon, ano nga ba ang iniisip ko? Magulo, oo, matagal na. Andami kong iniisip.
Trabaho: Masaya naman ako sa bagong ginagawa ko sa trabaho. Masaya talaga maghanap, kahit minsan, nakaka-frustrate pag di agad makita ang gustong tuklasin. Mahahasa pa din ako dito, sana may sapat pang panahon para magpakasanay dito.
Pag-aaral: Sa tuwing makakabasa ako ng post ng mga naging kaklase ko sa law school at ng mga taong nakaimpluwensya sa 'kin nun college, palaging bumabalik ang isip ko sa kung pano makatutuntong muli sa paaralan. Nasubukan ko na, subalit hindi ko din natagalan . Mahirap pala talagang pagsabayin ang pag-aaral at pagtatrabaho. Lalo pa ngayon na puro panggabi na ko, pano pa kaya ako makakabalik sa matagal ko ng gustong ipagpatuloy? Hindi pa naman siguro ako ganon katanda, pero pakiramdam ko, napag-iiwanan na ako. Oo, palaging nakatingin ang isang mata ko sa pag-aaral. Ang problema, hanggang tingin na lang, di magawang gumalaw ng mga paa ko ayon sa iniisip at nakikita. Isa lang maipapangako ko sa sarili ko: Babalik at babalik ako, abutin man ng mahabang panahon.
Pag-ibig: Next topic, please :))) Basta ang sa'kin lang, sa'kin na lang :))) Masaya maghintay :)
O kaytagal din kitang minahal O kaytagal din kitang minahal...
Pagsusulat: Eto na talaga siguro, bukod sa pag-aaral, ang isa sa mga frustrations ko. Gustuhin ko mang maging katulad ni Portgas D. Ace "Who lived without no regrets", mukhang mahirap para sa 'kin. Sabagay, hindi pa naman tapos ang buhay ko (sana tumagal pa kahit ilang taon lang), pwede ko pa tong balikan. Makapagsulat man lang kahit walang direksyon. Dun lang naman ako magaling. Puro abstract, walang objective, scope and limitations, methodology, results and conclusion. Dito ako masaya at ito ang paraan ko, kaya wala akong dapat ikahiya. Nagsusulat ako para magpahayag, hindi para magpakitang gilas. Ito lang ang madaling paraan saken para magpahayag ng nararamdaman, sapagkat di naman talaga ako likas na makwento at palaging nakatikom lang ang bibig. Pag nakabalik na siguro ako sa pag-aaral, marahil , dun ko talaga mapwersa ang sarili ko na magsalita (nang malakas). Soft spoken daw ako eh, and I admit it. Kelangan ko pa talaga ng madaming training.
Pakikisalamuha (Social Life, hahaha): Meron pa din naman ako nito kahit hindi halata hahaha! Isang bagay lang siguro na nami-miss ko eh yung magkaroon ng kaibigan na mapagsasabihan ko ng lahat - lahat. Meron pa din naman sa ngayon, kahit di na ganon kadalas. Sana lang maulit yung mga panahon na nakakagala kami ng mga kaibigan ko nung high school/college, etc. Kung hindi siguro busy, sana makatakas kahit ilang oras lang.
Pulitika: Hmmmm, no comment :) Intayin ko na lang uli ang pagbabalik ng impeachment trial para naman madami pa akong matutunan, katuwaan, kainisan, sang-ayunan at kontrahin. Magandang paraan din siguro to ng pagkokondisyon sa isip kong unti-unti nang kinakalawang. Penge ng Tide, makapagbura :D
Pamilya, Relihiyon: 2 sa pinakamahalagang aspeto sa buhay ng bawat tao, 2 din sa mga halos di ko na napagtutuunan ng pansin. Aminado ako naging makasarili ako, tinamad, at lahat pa ng kung ano-anong maitatapat sa isang palpak na anak/katoliko. Gusto kong ibalik ang dating ako. Ako na madalas sumimba, magdasal, makisama sa pamilya, etc. Kung may mga bagay man ako na gusto pang pagbutihin, ito ang maging priority ko. Ironic, priority, pero pang-huli sa listahan. Tinatawanan ko na naman ang sarili ko. Sige lang, ako nga si kabaliwantunaan eh.
Ano pa ba? Masyado na ata akong madaldal. Good start :)
Hanggang sa uulitin. Nga pala, eto sagot ko sa tanong:
"Heto, buhay pa din."
Unang post para sa taong 2012. Kumpirmado. Di ko natupad ang pangako ko sa huling post ko. Hopeless na talaga ako. Pero tulad ng nakagawian, isaisantabi na lang ang mga alituntuning ginawa ko, tulad ng pagsasawalambahala ng ilan sa mga patakarang sila din mismo ang gumawa. May future ako sa corruption. Bwahahaha! (Wag mangamba, malayo 'to sa landas na gusto kong tahakin)
Hindi ko alam kung anong sakit ang tumama sa 'kin. Di ba't sinabi ko noon na hilig ko ang pagbabasa at pagsusulat. Pero ngayon, nasan na? Andami ko ng nakalinyang libro na hindi pa matapos tapos basahin. Napakadami ko namang libreng oras. Matindi talaga ang tama ni katam. Tsk. Pano ba kita tatalunin? Unang hakbang: unti-untiin. Kaya eto, di ako makasigurong makagawa uli ng panibagong post. Darating din tayo dyan.
Sa ngayon, ano nga ba ang iniisip ko? Magulo, oo, matagal na. Andami kong iniisip.
Trabaho: Masaya naman ako sa bagong ginagawa ko sa trabaho. Masaya talaga maghanap, kahit minsan, nakaka-frustrate pag di agad makita ang gustong tuklasin. Mahahasa pa din ako dito, sana may sapat pang panahon para magpakasanay dito.
Pag-aaral: Sa tuwing makakabasa ako ng post ng mga naging kaklase ko sa law school at ng mga taong nakaimpluwensya sa 'kin nun college, palaging bumabalik ang isip ko sa kung pano makatutuntong muli sa paaralan. Nasubukan ko na, subalit hindi ko din natagalan . Mahirap pala talagang pagsabayin ang pag-aaral at pagtatrabaho. Lalo pa ngayon na puro panggabi na ko, pano pa kaya ako makakabalik sa matagal ko ng gustong ipagpatuloy? Hindi pa naman siguro ako ganon katanda, pero pakiramdam ko, napag-iiwanan na ako. Oo, palaging nakatingin ang isang mata ko sa pag-aaral. Ang problema, hanggang tingin na lang, di magawang gumalaw ng mga paa ko ayon sa iniisip at nakikita. Isa lang maipapangako ko sa sarili ko: Babalik at babalik ako, abutin man ng mahabang panahon.
Pag-ibig: Next topic, please :))) Basta ang sa'kin lang, sa'kin na lang :))) Masaya maghintay :)
O kaytagal din kitang minahal O kaytagal din kitang minahal...
Pagsusulat: Eto na talaga siguro, bukod sa pag-aaral, ang isa sa mga frustrations ko. Gustuhin ko mang maging katulad ni Portgas D. Ace "Who lived without no regrets", mukhang mahirap para sa 'kin. Sabagay, hindi pa naman tapos ang buhay ko (sana tumagal pa kahit ilang taon lang), pwede ko pa tong balikan. Makapagsulat man lang kahit walang direksyon. Dun lang naman ako magaling. Puro abstract, walang objective, scope and limitations, methodology, results and conclusion. Dito ako masaya at ito ang paraan ko, kaya wala akong dapat ikahiya. Nagsusulat ako para magpahayag, hindi para magpakitang gilas. Ito lang ang madaling paraan saken para magpahayag ng nararamdaman, sapagkat di naman talaga ako likas na makwento at palaging nakatikom lang ang bibig. Pag nakabalik na siguro ako sa pag-aaral, marahil , dun ko talaga mapwersa ang sarili ko na magsalita (nang malakas). Soft spoken daw ako eh, and I admit it. Kelangan ko pa talaga ng madaming training.
Pakikisalamuha (Social Life, hahaha): Meron pa din naman ako nito kahit hindi halata hahaha! Isang bagay lang siguro na nami-miss ko eh yung magkaroon ng kaibigan na mapagsasabihan ko ng lahat - lahat. Meron pa din naman sa ngayon, kahit di na ganon kadalas. Sana lang maulit yung mga panahon na nakakagala kami ng mga kaibigan ko nung high school/college, etc. Kung hindi siguro busy, sana makatakas kahit ilang oras lang.
Pulitika: Hmmmm, no comment :) Intayin ko na lang uli ang pagbabalik ng impeachment trial para naman madami pa akong matutunan, katuwaan, kainisan, sang-ayunan at kontrahin. Magandang paraan din siguro to ng pagkokondisyon sa isip kong unti-unti nang kinakalawang. Penge ng Tide, makapagbura :D
Pamilya, Relihiyon: 2 sa pinakamahalagang aspeto sa buhay ng bawat tao, 2 din sa mga halos di ko na napagtutuunan ng pansin. Aminado ako naging makasarili ako, tinamad, at lahat pa ng kung ano-anong maitatapat sa isang palpak na anak/katoliko. Gusto kong ibalik ang dating ako. Ako na madalas sumimba, magdasal, makisama sa pamilya, etc. Kung may mga bagay man ako na gusto pang pagbutihin, ito ang maging priority ko. Ironic, priority, pero pang-huli sa listahan. Tinatawanan ko na naman ang sarili ko. Sige lang, ako nga si kabaliwantunaan eh.
Ano pa ba? Masyado na ata akong madaldal. Good start :)
Hanggang sa uulitin. Nga pala, eto sagot ko sa tanong:
"Heto, buhay pa din."
Monday, December 5, 2011
Buhayin si Baliwantunaan
Matagal ko na din palang hindi nabigyan ng bagong lathalain ang nag-iisa kong "journal". Panahon na siguro para muling isabuhay ang anumang nalalaman ko sa pagsusulat; di teknikal, pero dumadaloy ng base lang sa kung ano ang aking naiisip at nararamdaman.
Napakadami ko ng naisip na gawan ng mga bagong sulatin/pananaw/komento/kritisismo at kung anu-ano pa. Lahat ng 'yon nauwi lang sa drawing dahil sa hindi maipaliwanag na katamaran ng may-akda. Kung seseryosohin ko ang karera sa pagsusulat, malamang nasa unang pahina pa lang ako, sinibak na ako ng editor ko. Nawala na ang consistency sa pluma ko. Walang buhay, continuation, thrill, damdamin. Magsusulat lang ako kung kelan ko gusto: kung masaya, malungkot, bigo, galit, dismayado, blah blah blah.. Hindi ko magawan ng pormal na tema ang mga posts ko sa blog na to. "Pwede namang magdahilan, di ba? Pakibasa ng disclaimer sa Home Page ng blog na to."
At muli, hayaan nyo akong ibalik ang kabaliwan na dati'y araw araw kong isinasabuhay. Hayaan nyo akong magsalita ng mag-isa, magbulalas ng saloobin at magpakabaliw. Hindi habangbuhay kong itatago ang isa sa mga natural kong persona. Hayaan nyo akong maging "self-proclaimed writer" bagaman amateur at walang sense ang mga pinagsusulat. Magpapalusot na lang uli ako: kunwari pagsasanay ito para sa pagbabalik ko sa paaralan (kelan kaya mangyayari yun?) at paghahasa ng pumurol ko ng kukote. Ang totoo, gusto ko lang uling palipasin ang oras ko at gawin naman itong productive . Nakakasawa din ang "Waiting Time".
Mission: Buhayin si Baliwantunaan.
==================================
Matatapos na pala ang 2011. Sa buong taon, naka-limang post lang pala ako dito -- Una, patungkol sa pagdisband ng isa sa mga paborito kong banda; Pangalawa, sa climate change (per request ng kapatid ko sa panulat ); pangatlo sa pagsusulat (katulad ng ginagawa ko ngayon) at kung paano na ang lagay ng panulat ko; pang-apat at panglima, tungkol sa kabaliwanmg ngayon ko lang muling naranasan. Madami pa akong nasulat ngunit wala na akong planong ilathala dito. Tahimik akong tao pero ginagawa kong open book ang buhay ko sa pamamagitan ng blog na 'to, pero di ibig sabihin na pwede ko nang iulat lahat ng naiisip ko dahil ayaw kong makadistract ng iba at ayokong makasuhan ng anumang "against right to privacy". Pati ang kaunting nalalaman ko sa mga batas, nawala na. Paano pa kaya ang plano kong pagbabalik sa law school. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Isang mahabang buntong-hininga.
Sa nakalipas na taon, madami din namang nangyari na hindi ko inaasahan pero matagal ko nang inaasam. Nakahanap ako ng bagong trabaho; (bakit ba di ko nagawan ng post yun? Highlights of this year yun ), nakalipat muli sa ibang lugar (madami ng narating ang promdi na to) , at nakahanap ng taong tumumbas sa pagpapahalagang pinakita ko sa kanya. Lahat ng 'to pwede kong magawan ng kung ano-anong mga kwento pero dahil nga sa tamad ako, di na din natuloy. Pwedeng magpalusot ulit? Busy ako sa trabaho at sa lovelife. Hahaha! Sana pwede ko pa ring gawing dahilan yun.
Ang ingay ko. Okay lang, kung gusto kong magpaka "Bob Ong", ganto dapat ang ginagawa ko. Ang problema, wala akong structure na sinusunod. Okay, kalimutan na ang teknikal na pagsusulat. Sabihan na ako ng weirdo, baliw at may sariling mundo, pero wala akong pakialam (goes back to the "the hell I care" days I had when I was active in the chat world). Sabi ko nga, buhayin ang kabaliwan at kabalintunaan . Kaya eto, hindi ko na iniisip ang mga itinatype ko at bahala na ang mga daliri ko sa kung anong pindutin sa keyboard. Mapapagalitan na talaga ako ng mga dating propesor ko sa paaralan at ng mga talagang nakakaalam sa mga ginagawa ko dito.
Sige, tuluyan ko na pagpapakabaliw. Kelangan kong makaisip ng topic na pwedeng gawan ng sanaysay at pipilitin kong lagyan ng saysay. Pengeng suggestions. Hindi na ako updated sa trending ngayon eh. Di active ang twitter ko.
Susubukan kong patalasin muli ang nag-iisa kong itinuturing na talent. Subok lang, ayokong biguin ang sarili ko sa huli nang dahil sa iba't ibang dahilan na sa huli'y katamaran din naman ang sagot. Kelangan, bago magtapos ang taon, may mailagay akong panibagong post dito. Kung di ko magagawa, isa na akong hopeless case sa pagsusulat.
Itutuloy...
Napakadami ko ng naisip na gawan ng mga bagong sulatin/pananaw/komento/kritisismo at kung anu-ano pa. Lahat ng 'yon nauwi lang sa drawing dahil sa hindi maipaliwanag na katamaran ng may-akda. Kung seseryosohin ko ang karera sa pagsusulat, malamang nasa unang pahina pa lang ako, sinibak na ako ng editor ko. Nawala na ang consistency sa pluma ko. Walang buhay, continuation, thrill, damdamin. Magsusulat lang ako kung kelan ko gusto: kung masaya, malungkot, bigo, galit, dismayado, blah blah blah.. Hindi ko magawan ng pormal na tema ang mga posts ko sa blog na to. "Pwede namang magdahilan, di ba? Pakibasa ng disclaimer sa Home Page ng blog na to."
At muli, hayaan nyo akong ibalik ang kabaliwan na dati'y araw araw kong isinasabuhay. Hayaan nyo akong magsalita ng mag-isa, magbulalas ng saloobin at magpakabaliw. Hindi habangbuhay kong itatago ang isa sa mga natural kong persona. Hayaan nyo akong maging "self-proclaimed writer" bagaman amateur at walang sense ang mga pinagsusulat. Magpapalusot na lang uli ako: kunwari pagsasanay ito para sa pagbabalik ko sa paaralan (kelan kaya mangyayari yun?) at paghahasa ng pumurol ko ng kukote. Ang totoo, gusto ko lang uling palipasin ang oras ko at gawin naman itong productive . Nakakasawa din ang "Waiting Time".
Mission: Buhayin si Baliwantunaan.
==================================
Matatapos na pala ang 2011. Sa buong taon, naka-limang post lang pala ako dito -- Una, patungkol sa pagdisband ng isa sa mga paborito kong banda; Pangalawa, sa climate change (per request ng kapatid ko sa panulat ); pangatlo sa pagsusulat (katulad ng ginagawa ko ngayon) at kung paano na ang lagay ng panulat ko; pang-apat at panglima, tungkol sa kabaliwanmg ngayon ko lang muling naranasan. Madami pa akong nasulat ngunit wala na akong planong ilathala dito. Tahimik akong tao pero ginagawa kong open book ang buhay ko sa pamamagitan ng blog na 'to, pero di ibig sabihin na pwede ko nang iulat lahat ng naiisip ko dahil ayaw kong makadistract ng iba at ayokong makasuhan ng anumang "against right to privacy". Pati ang kaunting nalalaman ko sa mga batas, nawala na. Paano pa kaya ang plano kong pagbabalik sa law school. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Isang mahabang buntong-hininga.
Sa nakalipas na taon, madami din namang nangyari na hindi ko inaasahan pero matagal ko nang inaasam. Nakahanap ako ng bagong trabaho; (bakit ba di ko nagawan ng post yun? Highlights of this year yun ), nakalipat muli sa ibang lugar (madami ng narating ang promdi na to) , at nakahanap ng taong tumumbas sa pagpapahalagang pinakita ko sa kanya. Lahat ng 'to pwede kong magawan ng kung ano-anong mga kwento pero dahil nga sa tamad ako, di na din natuloy. Pwedeng magpalusot ulit? Busy ako sa trabaho at sa lovelife. Hahaha! Sana pwede ko pa ring gawing dahilan yun.
Ang ingay ko. Okay lang, kung gusto kong magpaka "Bob Ong", ganto dapat ang ginagawa ko. Ang problema, wala akong structure na sinusunod. Okay, kalimutan na ang teknikal na pagsusulat. Sabihan na ako ng weirdo, baliw at may sariling mundo, pero wala akong pakialam (goes back to the "the hell I care" days I had when I was active in the chat world). Sabi ko nga, buhayin ang kabaliwan at kabalintunaan . Kaya eto, hindi ko na iniisip ang mga itinatype ko at bahala na ang mga daliri ko sa kung anong pindutin sa keyboard. Mapapagalitan na talaga ako ng mga dating propesor ko sa paaralan at ng mga talagang nakakaalam sa mga ginagawa ko dito.
Sige, tuluyan ko na pagpapakabaliw. Kelangan kong makaisip ng topic na pwedeng gawan ng sanaysay at pipilitin kong lagyan ng saysay. Pengeng suggestions. Hindi na ako updated sa trending ngayon eh. Di active ang twitter ko.
Susubukan kong patalasin muli ang nag-iisa kong itinuturing na talent. Subok lang, ayokong biguin ang sarili ko sa huli nang dahil sa iba't ibang dahilan na sa huli'y katamaran din naman ang sagot. Kelangan, bago magtapos ang taon, may mailagay akong panibagong post dito. Kung di ko magagawa, isa na akong hopeless case sa pagsusulat.
Itutuloy...
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Back to Where it All Started...
It never crossed my mind that a "little sister" would turn out to be more of a "special someone". I can't believe until I saw it happen. I must say, that love, indeed, is a mystery.
It all started here.
The name of the theme park must have made this magic work. I was totally Enchanted by this young girl's charm. I felt like I'm a ruler of my own Kingdom, with her as my queen.
It's just an ordinary Sunday, the third week of February. I invited my "little sister" to a trip in EK. Back then, for me, it's just to spend time with someone so I can be relieved of stress from my work. She responded in excitement, considering that "we've just met" a few days ago. It was my second trip to that place, and I'm glad enough that I'll have someone accompany me as I try to refresh myself. What I never expected was to for this someone to show me what real magic means. We entered the gates of EK as friends, and we left as something better.
We travelled early so we can use up as much time as we have to enjoy all the rides and offerings the theme park has. Compared to our first meeting, she's much sweeeter, lovelier that time. I took a glance at her while enjoying the carousel ride, and asked myself, why am I so delighted? Why does that smile make my heart leap out of joy as well? Could this be the happiness I'm waiting for? I already gave up seeking it, thinking that it will come at the right time. But now, here it is, shining in front of me. Inviting me to experience that wonderful feeling. So I took the next step, and I found heaven.
It was a day full of fun, surprises, and of course, love. That tiny feeling grew more and more, until it consumed everything of me.
Months passed, and we travelled this roller coaster ride. We started going out more often, learning more about each other, arguing for senseless reasons, and making up at the end of the day. She's still a child. I also act as a child most of the time. Perhaps this is what a relationship is all about. I haven't experienced this before, but I'm willing to stay in this ride notwithstanding all the ups and downs we might go through. I love her, despite our differences. I will do anything to reconcile those and transform them into a positive energy that will make us better. She mean everything to me right now, and I intend to keep it this way for as long as I breathe.
So, we're back to where it all started. EK the second time around. This time, we're entering that magical place with holding hands; in the same place where I had the courage to hold them freely for the first time. We enjoyed the day like there's not tomorrow. How I wish everyday will be just like this: a day with no worries, all fun, alone with the person who holds your heart.
Let's keep the magic alive. I Love You and I'm here to stay.
It all started here.
The name of the theme park must have made this magic work. I was totally Enchanted by this young girl's charm. I felt like I'm a ruler of my own Kingdom, with her as my queen.
It's just an ordinary Sunday, the third week of February. I invited my "little sister" to a trip in EK. Back then, for me, it's just to spend time with someone so I can be relieved of stress from my work. She responded in excitement, considering that "we've just met" a few days ago. It was my second trip to that place, and I'm glad enough that I'll have someone accompany me as I try to refresh myself. What I never expected was to for this someone to show me what real magic means. We entered the gates of EK as friends, and we left as something better.
We travelled early so we can use up as much time as we have to enjoy all the rides and offerings the theme park has. Compared to our first meeting, she's much sweeeter, lovelier that time. I took a glance at her while enjoying the carousel ride, and asked myself, why am I so delighted? Why does that smile make my heart leap out of joy as well? Could this be the happiness I'm waiting for? I already gave up seeking it, thinking that it will come at the right time. But now, here it is, shining in front of me. Inviting me to experience that wonderful feeling. So I took the next step, and I found heaven.
It was a day full of fun, surprises, and of course, love. That tiny feeling grew more and more, until it consumed everything of me.
Months passed, and we travelled this roller coaster ride. We started going out more often, learning more about each other, arguing for senseless reasons, and making up at the end of the day. She's still a child. I also act as a child most of the time. Perhaps this is what a relationship is all about. I haven't experienced this before, but I'm willing to stay in this ride notwithstanding all the ups and downs we might go through. I love her, despite our differences. I will do anything to reconcile those and transform them into a positive energy that will make us better. She mean everything to me right now, and I intend to keep it this way for as long as I breathe.
So, we're back to where it all started. EK the second time around. This time, we're entering that magical place with holding hands; in the same place where I had the courage to hold them freely for the first time. We enjoyed the day like there's not tomorrow. How I wish everyday will be just like this: a day with no worries, all fun, alone with the person who holds your heart.
Let's keep the magic alive. I Love You and I'm here to stay.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Best Weekend
I have always waited to see myself smiling like there's no tomorrow. I never thought it would come this early. And so it happens.
Laughing to my heart's content like never before.
Last Saturday, the 11th of May. This is just going to be an ordinary (rather, a special one)day with my happiness. That's what I thought it will be. The great thing, it never was.
I came earlier than our call time. I bet she's still asleep. Have to wait for a couple of minutes, and then head to some nice place. Here she comes, in her favorite red spongebob shirt. The first sight of her gave me chills (as always, there's no other person who can make me smile by just seeing her). Went on to buy food and immediately proceeded to that nice place somewhere overseeing the Taal Lake. I promised her that we'll go places together: that way we'll have fun while having the usual bonding time. Nothing feels better that seeing the smile in her face as we take a first look at that place. Any little thing that makes her happy would mean double the joy in my heart. At long last, we're going to have extraordinary fun together once more.
The place took our breaths away. Such a sight! Seeing it with the one you love the most makes it a lot better than the best. Had fun swimming, eating (of course, her favorite :D), taking a tour and pictures of the place. Not to miss the zipline experience which literally made us fly. Words can't describe how I feel that time. This surely is one, if not, the best day we spent together.
And so, the day ends. We'll have to part, but we'll stay together.
I forgot all the exhaustion that time. My spirit is so overflowing, it took over the rest of my senses.
A great weekend with my love has yet to end.
The next day, we have our own chores to do. I wasn't expecting anything that afternoon, until she walked in front of me while I was busy buying accessories for my phone. I thought I might be seeing an illusion. Could this only be a dream? I pinched myself, took another look at her, and there she was. It's real. I have never been surprised like that before. And she took the initiative to give me some sort of "drug" that I felt so high. I wanted to shout, cry, and give her a tight hug for doing "those little things" for me. I never thought that someone could care for me like this that she even took that extra step to draw a smile in my face.
I must be blessed by the heavens for sharing Her to me.
Laughing to my heart's content like never before.
Last Saturday, the 11th of May. This is just going to be an ordinary (rather, a special one)day with my happiness. That's what I thought it will be. The great thing, it never was.
I came earlier than our call time. I bet she's still asleep. Have to wait for a couple of minutes, and then head to some nice place. Here she comes, in her favorite red spongebob shirt. The first sight of her gave me chills (as always, there's no other person who can make me smile by just seeing her). Went on to buy food and immediately proceeded to that nice place somewhere overseeing the Taal Lake. I promised her that we'll go places together: that way we'll have fun while having the usual bonding time. Nothing feels better that seeing the smile in her face as we take a first look at that place. Any little thing that makes her happy would mean double the joy in my heart. At long last, we're going to have extraordinary fun together once more.
The place took our breaths away. Such a sight! Seeing it with the one you love the most makes it a lot better than the best. Had fun swimming, eating (of course, her favorite :D), taking a tour and pictures of the place. Not to miss the zipline experience which literally made us fly. Words can't describe how I feel that time. This surely is one, if not, the best day we spent together.
And so, the day ends. We'll have to part, but we'll stay together.
I forgot all the exhaustion that time. My spirit is so overflowing, it took over the rest of my senses.
A great weekend with my love has yet to end.
The next day, we have our own chores to do. I wasn't expecting anything that afternoon, until she walked in front of me while I was busy buying accessories for my phone. I thought I might be seeing an illusion. Could this only be a dream? I pinched myself, took another look at her, and there she was. It's real. I have never been surprised like that before. And she took the initiative to give me some sort of "drug" that I felt so high. I wanted to shout, cry, and give her a tight hug for doing "those little things" for me. I never thought that someone could care for me like this that she even took that extra step to draw a smile in my face.
I must be blessed by the heavens for sharing Her to me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Revise and Resubmit
Reading my previous blog entries makes me realize how poor my writing have been lately. There's just too many errors - grammar, syntax, punctuation, "proper tone". This places my writing from mediocre (have I been there?) to dreadful. I guess it is acceptable for some of my entries posted in multi-language or in my native language . But for my somehow "freestyle pure English" posts, I definitely should be graded a D-.
This might reflect the state of mind I am in right now. Not to say I'm insane (in a sense, yes) but it's just too erroneous, loose and no direction. Am I missing my goal here? Have I just gone from bad to worse? What happened to the only thing I consider as skill? I badly need an eraser. If not available, a correcting fluid/tape should do, right?
It really is good to take a look back on my previous work. Provide constructive and negative criticisms, and re-work for a better result. But perhaps, there are some things, though flawed, that should be kept as it is. Mistakes in the past are good teachers after all. So I'll keep them here as a record of my "weak" writing, will try to create new ones, and see for myself if I was able to move a step ahead.
This might reflect the state of mind I am in right now. Not to say I'm insane (in a sense, yes) but it's just too erroneous, loose and no direction. Am I missing my goal here? Have I just gone from bad to worse? What happened to the only thing I consider as skill? I badly need an eraser. If not available, a correcting fluid/tape should do, right?
It really is good to take a look back on my previous work. Provide constructive and negative criticisms, and re-work for a better result. But perhaps, there are some things, though flawed, that should be kept as it is. Mistakes in the past are good teachers after all. So I'll keep them here as a record of my "weak" writing, will try to create new ones, and see for myself if I was able to move a step ahead.
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